Sunday, May 04, 2014

God's Will for My Life: Dismount

I continue to think about the topic of "God's will for my life".

I often wonder how many more things I've done will be, in retrospect the further I get away from them, Quixotian.

The mix of ego, delusion, zealous idealism, ignorance, and lack of wisdom become more and more evident as I see my life from a distance. But then, I also see glimpses of courage, righteous fury, justice and mercy, even though tainted by a darkened heart, an unclear eye, and an undefined target. 

For all the ferocity of the battles I've engaged, I don't know now that many were worth waging.  My comfort is "God knows" and "all things work together for good to those that love the Lord".

I've given up on marching into hell for self-defined and church defined "heavenly causes".

I've come to the conclusion that most things that engage the passions of modern man are distractions from the real warfare. We ride a high horse and joust with the wind, accomplishing nothing in the end but a feeling we've made a mark.  But the wind bears no scars of battle, only we do.

The true battle is is in my own heart toward the person I am face to face with in the present moment. I cast a cynical eye on causes and injustices.  I don't care about the "big picture" because politics and policy of countries and churches are still run by people who can even crucify God with their monied influences if they so choose.
Sometimes, I'm afraid I have become the compromised "Father" of "Father and Son"  that I despised in 1970.

And I'm also afraid, in my dismount, I've engaged a far more real and serious and dangerous war.